February 2012
1 post
January 2012
2 posts
The Oregon Trial
Judge: You stand accused of having dysentery and a snakebite, butt. How do you plead?
Butt: [dies]
Judge: Guilty!
Youngstown: Leading The Nation →
in man-made earthquakes, economic depression, and regular depression.
Or: Constantly reinforcing Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”
December 2011
4 posts
Best Recurring Character In Any Improv Team's...
improvnonsense:
“Sideways Dracula” — Bobby Moynihan, Police Chief Rumble.
Note: Improv teams should not have recurring characters.
I completely agree with this.
Evidence.
From the same show: Angeliki George and Katie Dippold (as played by Will Hines).
1 tag
November 2011
2 posts
1 tag
NYPD Addresses Upcoming Officer Misconduct
NEW YORK—During a press conference on Monday, chief spokesman of the New York Police Department Robert Fuchs gave a statement regarding what will be the latest in a string of police misconduct incidents. “There were, are, and will continue to be no warning signs for this unfortunate event. We at the NYPD will be shocked and dismayed at the allegations leveled against our colleague. We will be...
October 2011
1 post
"Just call it Fun Facts" #1: Amos Vernon
gilmoregurlz:
themrcrimegazette:
-Grew up in the woods of North Carolina. -Brews his own beer. -Has been described as an improv Jim Carrey. -Was in the same college improv group at UC Berkeley with Moujan Zolfaghari.
what a fun new segment on the mr. crime gazette!
Here’s hoping, if LL Cool J is ever named Anchor Boy, this segment will be renamed, “Don’t call it a Fun...
September 2011
3 posts
1 tag
Nancy Grace Calls For Nancy Grace To Be Burned At...
LOS ANGELES—Following the unintentional revealing of her nipple during Tuesday’s episode of Dancing With The Stars, former Georgia Special Prosecutor Nancy Grace has called for the offender, television personality Nancy Grace, to be burned at the stake. “This deranged pervert used a prime-time, family-oriented show to deliberately expose herself to millions of viewers,” said Grace. In response,...
2 tags
1 tag
August 2011
2 posts
2 tags
3 tags
Rick Perry: ‘Gravity Is Only A Theory’
PORTSMOUTH, NJ—Texas governor and GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry clarified his position on gravity at a campaign stop today, and simultaneously expressed his distrust of the scientific community. “We cannot blindly trust that gravity will remain constant,” said Perry, “when our best understanding of it is just a theory.” He called on Congress to pass a gravity independence act mandating...
May 2011
1 post
1 tag
54-Year-Old Dialysis Patient Becomes First Victim of Death Panels
Man Takes Samba Lessons In Desperate Bid To Seem Interesting
20th Century Fox Announces 3 Avatar Remakes Over Next 5 Years
Patriots Fill Vacant Character Concern Slot
Wedding Cake Successfully Embodies The Love And Respect Absent From Couple’s Relationship
Hometown Failure Bravely Attends High School Reunion
Evolutionary...
April 2011
2 posts
1 tag
“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us...”
– Ira Glass (via nefffy)
I like this more every time I read it.
February 2011
2 posts
1 tag
Wikileaks Releases Documents Linking People...
LONDON—The founder and spokesperson of Wikileaks, Julian Assange, announced the release of confidential documents today that present evidence of a causal link between People magazine and the 2005 divorce of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
The documents were obtained from an unidentified source inside the magazine. The evidence, in the form of meeting transcripts and wire transfer records,...
January 2011
1 post
Biden Demands Carolers Sing Foghat
WASHINGTON, DC—Vice President Joe Biden became involved in a confrontation with carolers on Christmas Eve. According to the carolers, Biden, wearing a robe and an REO Speedwagon T-shirt, appeared on the balcony of the Naval Observatory shortly after the carolers began singing. Andrew Reynolds, the lead caroler, said Biden “requested Foghat” but “couldn’t remember the song’s name.” The incident...
December 2010
1 post
1 tag
Donald Rumsfeld Raises Threat Level Of Garden To...
ST. MICHAELS, MD—Donald Rumsfeld, former United States defense secretary, has announced this week that, due to impending external and natural dangers, the threat level for his garden has been raised to orange. He has described the threats to the garden, which includes tomatoes, zucchini and pumpkins, as both “credible” and “imminent.” “There has been elevated chatter lately...
June 2010
4 posts
1 tag
Headlines, May 21, 2010
New Eco-Friendly Spurs Use Biodegradable Spikes
Baby Has Busy Schedule Of Learning Language, Practical Physics
Police Impressed With Serial Killer’s Work Ethic
Look Upon My Works, Ye Hipsters, And Enjoy Them Ironically
90% Of Future Parents Really Slutty
Robust New Innovation Matrix Shatters Antiquated Conceptual Frameworks
American Film Institute Cancels Preparations For Amanda Bynes...
1 tag
World's Most Expensive Merry-Go-Round Uses Highly...
WESTPORT, CT—The Guinness Book of World Records confirmed that Phineas Trilby has built the world’s most expensive merry-go-round. Specially constructed harnesses hold 32 live racehorses selected from, “the very best the world has to offer,” said the eccentric socialite as he shooed away a horsefly with a monogrammed section of the Shroud of Turin. “It was fiendishly...
1 tag
Headlines, May 20, 2010
Elephant Has Recurring Dream Of Tusks Falling Out
New Weight Bench Becomes Foundation For Man’s Dust Collection
Scientist Pretends To Like Lord Of The Rings
High School Class President Declared Emperor For Life
Turkeys Fund Campaign For Ham-Centric Thanksgiving
Idealist Swindled
Diner Evokes A Simpler Time When Racism Was Keen
1 tag
Headlines, May 19, 2010
Explanations Of Jazz Becoming More Pretentious
Fraud Charges Filed; Camptown Racetrack Not Five Miles Long
Teenagers Working Diligently On New Phrases For Sex
Man Wearing Vest Is Not Train Conductor
Senate Debate To Begin On Arkansas Getting A Dog
Drought Threatens Nation’s Ben Franklin Impersonators
Nation’s Restaurants Institute Wartime Napkin Rationing
May 2010
13 posts
1 tag
Headlines, May 18, 2010
Softball Players Adopt Larger, Softer Hats
Over 20% Of Grade School Students Illiterate
Defective Batch Of Poison Lips Causes Hundreds Of Femme Fatalities
Reptile Apologizes For Establishing Society, Blames Its Human Brain
Governor’s Mansion Full Of Booby Traps, Stairways To Nowhere
Op-Ed: Robots On Strike? Does Not Compute
Sky Malls Increase Enforcement Of Sky Curfews
1 tag
Headlines, May 17, 2010
Debate Tournaments Introduce IQ Classes
New Board Game More Fun Than Commercial Implies
Barber’s Anatomy At Bottom Of Medical Text Sales List For 350th Consecutive Year
Woman Named Eileen Particularly Affected By Loss Of Foot
Study: Sword Canes 66% More Likely To Injure Family Member Than Intruder
Creationists And Scientists Compromise - DNA To Have Only One Helix
Doublemint...
1 tag
Headlines, May 16, 2010
Family Torn Apart By Battle Of The Bands
Area Dad Has Intricate Raffle Strategy
Dogs Responsible For Billions Of Missing Cookies Per Year, Say Nation’s Toddlers
Clerical Error Sends 10,000 Pound High Explosive Christmas Wrath To General’s Mother
Father Of Three Intends To Wear His Saturday Shirt
Area Man Not Drunk Enough For This Intervention
Baby Thinks Crying Will Solve This...
1 tag
May 15, 2010, Headlines
Christian Band In It For The Marriages
Sociopath Prefers Long Distance Relationships
Bees Encounter Backlash Over Anti-Bear Policies
Motivational Speaker Tells Moderately Relevant Story
Dr. Kevorkian’s Latest Book Is A Judas Priest Album When Read Backwards
90% Of Men Make Creme Brulee Just To Buy A Mini Blowtorch
Class Warfare Between Mummies and Zombies Continues
1 tag
Headlines, May 14, 2010
World’s Most Expensive Merry-Go-Round Uses Highly Trained Horses
Child Fakes Sense Of Wonderment For Parents
Bonobos Only Animal to Fish For Compliments
Death Penalty Adjusted To Death Fine
Acceptance Speech Pleasant Blend of False Modesty and Lies
Villain Ties City Budget To Train Tracks
Submarine Falls In Love With Sun
1 tag
Headlines, May 13, 2010
Breaking: They Are Not Giants
Charges Filed Against Chickens In Salmonella Outbreak
Camper Saved By Switching From Steel Spork To Titanium
Idiot Makes Millions Investing According To Horoscope
NFL MVP Got Into Football After Seeing Cool Helmet
Mayor’s Race Hinges On Barbecue Question
Couple Doesn’t Name Child After Clint Eastwood Character
1 tag
Headlines, May 12, 2010
Conscientious Objector Plagued by Flashbacks to Eating Ice Cream, Napping
Michael Lohan Blogs About US Oil Addiction
Rodney Dangerfield Monument Defaced
Office Drone Doesn’t Actually Have A Boss
Local Man Stunned World Cup Still Exists
At End Of Term, Student Council President Concerned About Legacy
Oil Spill Threatens Fragile Congressman Population
1 tag
Headlines, May 11, 2010
Alpha Wolf Delegates Most Killing to Younger Wolves
Company Substitutes Calypso CD for Vacation Time
Study: Pilots Never Say “Punch It!”
Local Man Hilariously too Drunk to Fish, Act as Parent
Claustrophobic Man Crushed by Painting of Meadow
New Medication Found to Cause Antidepression
Reporter Embeds in Elite Paintball Unit
1 tag
Headlines, May 10, 2010
Analysts Fear This Relationship May Drag on for Months
Local Football Field Nearly Four Thousand Paper Clips Long
Cattle Rustler Regrets Passing out Business Cards
Throat Botox: Miracle Cough Cure?
Bull Forced to Sell China Shop
Cormac McCarthy Publishes Latest Comedy
Alberto Gonzales Cannot Remember a Less Qualified Supreme Court Appointee
1 tag
Headlines, May 9, 2010
Racist Appalled by Infinite Blackness of Space
Diddy Makes it Rain; Zeus Upset
Archaeologists Discover Ancient Society of Archaeologists
Op-Ed: You Call This a Feast?
Execs Urge Santa Claus to Leave Good Children Clean Coal
Study Concludes Actors’ Wives “Unattractive”
Chalk Outline Crucial to Solving Homicide
1 tag
Headlines, May 8, 2010
“Top Spy” Reality Series Abject Failure
Peanut Butter Spill Causes Traffic Jam
Research Indicates Depression May Cure Insomnia
Performance Art Piece Garners Reviews
NASCAR Fan Wears La Dolce Vita T-shirt Ironically
Pharma Execs Exploit Lexapro, Eeyore Branding Synergy
Stripper Alleges Illegal Merit-Based Hiring Policies
1 tag
Headlines, May 7, 2010
Burger King Exiled
High Schools Ban Singing, Lavish Choreography
Kid Detective’s Plucky Attitude Fails to Stop Bullet
Activist Torn Between Protesting Oil Rig or Execution
Employees Excited to Feign Interest in New Wellness Program
Study Confirms Penguins Not Polar Bears’ Butlers
Area Man’s Left Pinky Writes Sitcom
1 tag
Headlines, May 6, 2010
Corpse Finds Jogger
Principal Uninterested in Befriending Child
“Advertisements Are Influencing My Behavior” Raves Lunatic
Adorable Hen Irreparably Damages Faberge Egg
Medicare Drops Hard Candy Coverage
City Kids Wish There Were Some Fields to Plow around Here or Something
Astronaut Achieves Dream of Becoming 7-Year-Old